Porn Free (Bare Necessities & Chocolate)
Often of an evening once the kids are sleeping
I sit in front my laptop surfing naughty sites
It's fairly disconcerting, the freaky shit that's out there
Just one over eager click can give you sleepless nights
It happened just the other week as I was sat there trawling
Through the world's depravity, just to see what's there
A sip of tea distracted me from where I should be clicking
All at once I came across a woman and a bear
Now when I say I came across, please don't get me wrong
It didn't turn me on, not the slightest little bit
To call her unattractive is being over generous
Although I will admit the bear was fit
The link was disingenuous, it read woman in a teddy
When clearly it was quite the other way
Though if you watched until the end, she stuck a finger in it's ass
We should really call the RSPCA
She didn't wear a teddy but she wore that teddy out
The bear growled once and then pawed at her drawers
I became aware that she was bare, down there, she had no hair
He pawed and roared then both paused for applause
When he finally entered her, bareback naturally
She gave a moan as if he'd come too quick
Then the camera zoomed right in and I just turned it off
And the second time I watched it made me sick
Anyway...
Looking for some light relief after not-so-gentle-Ben
I clicked upon a woman in a bedroom on her own
Pretty and curvy and just a little pervy
Being rather self indulgent with a bar of Toblerone
She started of with it still in the wrapper
The dirty slapper
Oooh bloody hell
She's already up to the L
I blinked and by then
I could barely see an E and half an N
This must have been her foreplay
As she threw the pack away
Starting to frolic
Like a sex craved chocoholic
I must admit
This last bit
Where she pleasured her self with triangular confection
Gave me quite an...well I was enjoying it, put it that way
The only problem I could see
Is if she continues to be
Moaning and groaning
Whilst dirty Tobleroning
The only orgasms that'll matter'll
Be cocoa and equilateral
Though after the squeeze
They were more isosceles
Started wondering how did this kink begin
By sticking something fun-size in
Then found it hard to resist
Now she's not satisfied with a finger of fudge
She needs a fist
She probably parts her legs
And out roll cream eggs
She doesn't feel girly
Unless she's doing a curly wurly
Hard not to laugh
At this dairy milf with an ass and a half
And whilst there are those who would turn up their noses
She is definitely the kind of woman to whom I would give Roses
Cut Short
Though some would call me jovial, erudite and charming
My deepest darkest secret is a passion for self harming
Scars scream of my loneliness, scabs betray my pain
Freshest wounds still weeping, wear black to hide the stain
Surely just a passing phase, for happiness I strive
Each slice a sharp reminder that I am still alive
I hate myself, I hurt myself, I hate to feel this way
My only thought whilst bleeding is of more long sleeves today
Arms are wet and sticky, pulse feels fast and strong
One more deep one, then I'm done, please don't think me wrong
Tufty Club
Sat on a train Scotland bound
Met a young man from the Wirral
Who loudly claimed quit proudly
To have had an affair with a squirrel
Out of his tree
Quite literally
Of that there are no ifs or buts
But although it was plain
He was fucking insane
I had to avoid the word nuts
It's A Fucking Work Of Art
What on earth possessed you
Were you fucking pissed
That mess of ink above your bum
From the local tattooist
Yes I know it's Celtic
But it looks a fucking mess
I suppose no one would see it
If you just knew how to dress
Your top is a foot too short my love
Those jeans are trying to get rid o' ya
Yes I know it's fashionable
But so is fucking chlamydia
If you really must indulge
Have something with some class
That's why I have Gaugan's Guitar player
Tattooed on my ass
Consider all the masters
Don't run with the flock
Next I'm getting Munch's The Scream
Emblazoned on my cock
Designer Vagina
The rear of her jeans scream out Bench
Presumably somewhere there's one
In a park, one day she will find
That has Arse emblazoned upon
Considering her label love
From DKNY to Stussy
It won't suprise to see the word
Versace across her pussy
Lighthouse
Held aloft one shining eye
Blinding protector
Feet lapped by a monster
Monotonous hero
Unsung by the dry
Erect and sheathed in sky
Penetrating darkness
And fucking fog senseless
Phallic blinking cyclops
With your Sun envy
Brightly screaming
Stop rocks warning
Daytime distraction
Tourist attraction
Never yet always alone
Enjoy the spotlight
Armbands
As we were walking out the door, towel and trunks in hand
Heading for a swimming pool in Dorset
Molly shouts two words at me,"dad", she shouts, "armbands?"
"No, I'm not sure the military enforce it"
My daughter rolls her eyes at me and I just roll them back
And go in search of all our things inflatable
Then H shouts out "Dad, rubber ring?" and I say "Yes of course"
"That's why she left me" though that bit's debatable
A Tongue So Sharp, If I kissed You I'd Slit Your Throat
Yes it sometimes lacks control
In a flurry of foolish verve
Less able to hold my tongue
Than it seems to hold my nerve
No malice on the menu
Unless I'm serving cold
Thankful to have less of it
As slowly I grow old
Luckily my speed of thought
Is linked to tongue and wit
Though some would call me arrogant
A self obsessing shit
You truly need upset me
To feel my words unkind
Don't worry 'bout my tongue as much
As what I've got in mind
Sunny Happy Hippie Shit
I thought I'd try and write something a tad more light and airy
Less about the darker side and just a bit less scary
More about the sunny times and meadows filled with daisies
But I just end up with fields chock-full of chainsaw wielding crazies
It's not that I'm a sadist with some sick predisposition
Who doesn't like the nice stuff and who's on a downbeat mission
It feels contrived to write of hives filled with bees and honey
When tortured souls and heads on poles just make me feel all funny
Could talk of pups and kittens to prove I'm no offender
But half the time I'd end up with the kittens in a blender
The puppies would be dogfighting and after catching rabies
Head down to maternity to feast on new born babies
Summer brings a chance to tell of campfire on a beach
Which turns to tales of incest, murder, anal rape and bleach
Okay so that was meant to shock, I'm twisted, that's the rumour
If you're not laughing tell me where the fuck's your sense of humour
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Food Court
I overheard a jester say
He ate a woman yesterday
He started howlin much more than jestin
As she turned foul and lodged in his lower intestine
A crowd gathered and quickly lost it's cool
Flocking to mock this harlequin'd fool
Now for your greed you will die jester
As you struggle with the need to digest her
Your gut will expand 'til enormous
And a big sloppy pop will inform us
Of your bloated and messy demise
Then your only true friends will be flies
And the site where your corpse has corroded
Shall resemble a meat bomb... exploded
We'll come back in a bit when the smell's gone
Will we laugh?....Yes you shit...and with bells on
Bad Date
For starters at the restaurant
We were seated by the toilet
Bad beginning to the evening
But it shouldn't really spoil it
Spilled wine all down her dress
The one I said she looked demure in
As the gents door was pushed open
For another waft of urine
The meal was fit for dogs
If you want them putting down
On the bill with all the money
I drew a picture of a frown
The violence of the taxi rank
Persuaded us to walk
Tried deciding then
If I was cheese and she was chalk
Arriving at her door
Brought the awkward good night kiss
She backed away and slowly said
Are you taking the piss
After the evening we've just had
You really have some nerve
It's just a goodnight kiss I said
I'm not some kind of perve
She said, well that's a crying shame
Which for a moment threw me
She smiled and turned, unlocked the door
Then dragged me in and blew me
Drunk In Barcelona
I was thinking
While sat by myself drinking
In bars alone huh
Got no friends
Well that depends
I don't know where to begin
Well perhaps with the bottle of gin
I'd ingested
While I never protested
And I didn't moan
When the rest left me alone
I said what the hell
You all go back to the hotel
I'm enjoying the night
Still feel pretty alright
When sat across from me
Two ladies I can see
One of them's smiling
I'm intrigued, they're beguiling
But I am no fool
I am playing it cool
Thinking I am a cross between
A young Steve McQueen
And Brad Pitt
When I probably look like
A fat pile of shit
But what the hey
I'm on holiday
So I wander across
I don't give a toss
In my drunken mind
I envisage a kind of verbal dance
I shall entrance these undeniable beauties
These eager cuties
And using my equally undeniable wit and charm
I shall impress and disarm
After a while I can tell
This is going quite well
My pulse is starting to climb
And the prettiest one says
Are we going back to your room for a good time
There was a pause
While internally I protested
As the facts were digested
These lovely ladies, I must explain
Were only interested in me for monetary gain
My brain screamed out THEY CAN BE YOURS
The only problem I could see was......THEY'RE WHORES
Well obviously I was disappointed
My shorts were just pointed
I must have laughed out loud
Of which I'm not proud
They clearly didn't find it funny
Especially when I lied and said I had no money
They quickly departed
Leaving me not so much broken hearted, as depressed
Left with only the memory of that chest
And then as I ordered another large gin
My face bore a grin
After all left feeling dirty and nursing a boner
I should have asked them how much they charged
To bath a loner
Cannabis Cannibal
He got so stoned
He thought his bones were edible
His skin sheddable
Like a snake
Quite a mistake to make
When you have the munchies
Should have stuck to crunchies
Or maybe a twix
For a quick snack fix
But the pain of that night still lingers
When he looks at his missing two fingers
Funny How?
A friend I hadn't seen for ages said he'd heard a rumour
My ten year old relationship had crashed upon the rocks
I told him it was sad but I'd disliked her sense of humour
She seemed to find it funny sucking strange mens cocks
Get A Grip
Though fuelled with desire to find sexual compunction
With friendly young ladies who like to see ceilings
I'm cursed with the worst of erectile disfunctions
So often I have to say there's no hard feelings
At best I can manage a stiff upper lip
While other folks point and they snigger
Tell myself calmly to just get a grip
At least with small hands it looks bigger
Born By Chance Not Community Chest
I was there for your birth
For what it's worth
Trying to stay calm with the back page of the paper
In the next room
As you were helped out of your embriotic tomb
Reading about an heroic clearance
As a cry told tale of your appearance
For crying out loud
It's about time you joined the crowd
We arrived here on Friday just after dinner
With thoughts of a belly getting thinner
Expecting things to happen relatively soon
Now it's Monday afternoon
Things started fine
But we quickly got frustrated
By an inability to get fully dilated
Much consumption of gas and air
Me sitting in a rather uncomfy chair
Then as patience was wearing thin
The move to epidural from pethadine
A nice lady with gloves tried to give you a nudge
You wouldn't budge
So we all agreed on an emergency c-section
Not the journey's end you envisage
Upon leaving an erection
Still from sperm to baby through procreation
Filling me with a permanent sensation
Of love and joy
Hoping the next one's a boy
Still I must insist
It's a miracle you even exist
For as much as I love you to bits
I could have just come on your mum's tits
Glass
People sometimes ask me
Is your glass half empty or half full
To which I reply
My glass smashed
Then I stood on it and cut my foot
And we're all going to die
Glass II
People still ask me
Is your glass half empty or half full
To which I sometimes reply
How far is halfway if the glass has a line near the top
Halfway to the line
Or halfway to the top
And what if you poured that half glass into a smaller glass
You would then have a full glass
But this would only give a false impression
As you would still only have the same amount of liquid
That you started with in the first place
By which time they have left
Glass III
When some bloody idiot asks you
If your glass is half empty or half full
Take that glass and shove it
Right in their nosey bastard face
